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SONG TITLE

ARTIST

1 "Too Much Heaven” BEE GEES
2 "Rock Me Amadeus" FALCO
3 "Ain't No Mountain High Enough” DIANNA ROSS
4 "All Ready For This” SPACE JAM
5 "Diary of Horace Wimp" ELECTRIC LIGHT
6 “I'm Alright” KENNY LOGGINS
7 "The Way We Were" BARBARA STREISAND
8 “Toy Soldiers” MARTIKA
9 "Stormy Monday” B.B. KING
10 "Easy Lover" PHIL COLLINS
Russians Plan Attck Using Planet Mars

We all thought the cold war was over right?   Wrong!  All the stuff about the U.S.S.R. becoming a nicer, happier Russia, Chum Communications Coorporation Fashion Reporter, reports a nasty diabolical retort.   In her latest report, Ms. Easy J. Row finds the Russians short, of the Russian flag they wave from their forts. 

"I am a celebrity," said some random Russian celebrity, "and thanks for talking to me so I can have [the evil U.S.S.R. return] free publicity."

As you can see, this ties in really nicely with the New York Daily Waste's latest headline article telling of the Russians secret plan to launch the planet Mars into the studios of afternoon talk show host Opera.

"Their mission for peace is clearly evil," said a bum who has lived in a carboard house under I-5 in El Segundo since before the Berlin Wall fell down, "and despite their good intentions to take out Opera, it still ain't very nice."

There was no official word from Opera's Kingworld Studios by presstime, however a call to their main office resulted in unsolicited solicitation from their soliciters asking if we'd like a subscription to Opera's "O" Magazine.  However, in the subscript we learned that the subscription was a really substandard deal.

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Biff & Marvinette Wedding Back On?

We all thought the this was over right?  Wrong!

The romance between ministar Biff Ugly on UHF 76 TV in Yugallerville, OH and unheard of Marvinette Really appears to be back on - but neither one of them have had Marvinette's new married name written on any documents.Marvinette, who is scheduled to join Biff on his new upcoming TV show, "Ugly and Ugly," was enjoying a day out in Biff's Yugo LXi with a 4-Speed Manual Transmission, and Marvinette was wearing a T-Shirt reading, "My name is Marvinette."

But the glamorous couple wouldn't let photographers snap them together by keeping their crash helmets firmly on.

A source tells British newspaper The Sun, "Not that you'd care to know, but there are these two really annoying people in this run down old excuse for a ghost town who will soon be married and they ride around in a Yugo since the Bowlin' Alley burnt to the ground, course they did start it, but let's let by-gone's by by-gone's, eh?  Well, they ride around in the Yugo, and my bet is Mr. Ugly hasn't regustered his car in years since he actually lives in Kansas City on the weekends and pretends that his car is registered to his grandma who is exempt from the law because she is in the asylum because she thinks she is the mayor, which the Kansas City mayor flatly refutes, despite her loud raspberries."

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Micheal Jackson Gets A Haircut

Pop singer Michael Jackson has partnereded company with a new publicist A. Barber.

Barber, who also cuts the hair of some unimportant truck driver who lives in Modesto, resigned from his $100K job at IBM after he he found out he could make $100K per snip, according to some dentist who owns a practice above the barber's place of business.

Another source tells us, "Petter Jennings had made a deal with (NBC head) Jeff Zucker for him to go on NBC. He cancelled it and went to ABC.

"Then Jackson was supposed to be eating a sandwich when he wanted to be on CBS. They both gave up and plan w huge television premier on FOX as the world watches Michael get his hair cut."

Barber confirmed he no longer works for IBM, but declined further comment.

Missing Photo Copyright Getto Images

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